“It kills off several perfectly likable characters to jump-start the protagonist's plot trauma. It spends the first hour surrounding the viewer with aggressively unlikable characters and predictable scenarios. Then with a couple of lines of dialogue and humane gestures it flips everything, becomes rather charming and satisfying, if still perfectly predictable and utterly disposable.
And why was this film made other than to make bank? No reason whatsoever. Oh well? (shrugs)”
FU for Failure, Utter
Red One (dir. Jake Kasdan)
When you take all that money, all that star power, all those holiday cliches, and you come up with a frenetic, loathsome piece of shiny trash that hasn’t one iota of charm. How dare you pretend this is anyone’s new Christmas tradition?
Wolfs (dir. Jon Watts)
“...two guys who resent having to be in the same space as each other, barely communicating…then it ends with the impression someone intends for there to be a sequel, but this film doesn't leave you wanting more…this was so very tiresome.”
Argylle (dir. Matthew Vaughn)
“Frontloaded with so much predictability, transparency, eye-rollingly lazy writing, and a penchant for gimmickry that irritates quickly and often, Argylle has few flashes of goodness and absolutely no greatness, and much of what is good is thanks to Sam Rockwell.”
Borderlands (dir. Eli Roth)
“It is a lazy film. It looks cheap. It relies on noise and frantic motion, but without good results. Its dialogue is lowest common denominator stuff. The ADR is frequently clunky. Cate Blanchett is ill-suited to her character, a human eyeroll. Other performers are just embarrassingly bad or miscast.”
Boy Kills World (dir. Moritz Mohr)
“…is not short on cartoonishly despicable characters or dulling action…the story and acting made me roll my eyes so much that my optometrist busted through the wall like the Kool-Aid man and told me to knock it off.”
Tarot (dirs. Spenser Cohen, Anna Halberg)
“It's remarkable that Tarot has such a well-shot, exceedingly atmospheric, surprisingly satisfying setup, and in quick fashion roars into some of the most insipid writing I've seen in a film. The latter half of the film is visually murky to a problematic degree.”
Worst of the Wackadoo Failures
Pandemonium (dir. Quarxx)
“Pandemonium is the cinematic equivalent of taking a lovely 15-minute walk while thinking about some lofty issues and then stumbling down a flight of stairs until you land face-down in shit.
That setup is just so good…then you veer off into one sinister, unsettling story, and then a second, worse one. We return to the initial character only to find that the filmmaker doesn't have much of a plan for them.” I was left repelled and frustrated. I hate Pandemonium.
Best of the Wackadoo Failures